The Emperor’s New Clothes

Once upon a time (as all good tales start) there was an Emperor who was exceedingly fond of the excitement of magical things and had such a great desire for wonders that he spent all his time and resources on cultivating that culture around him by whatever means necessary. 

The subjects of his empire became so enamoured with the Emperor’s penchant for the magical and mysterious that they began to believe that this was all that mattered. The Emperor pandered to the peoples very own desire to be entertained by what the Emperor would conjure next for their entertainment.

He had a clever saying for every hour of the day, and instead of saying, as one might, about any other wise ruler, “The King’s in council with God,” here they always said, “The Emperor’s in a production meeting. We can’t wait to see what happens next!”

In the great castle where he lived, life was always exciting. There was much buzz and activity and the subjects were offered many means and ways to become better subjects of the empire and were kept preoccupied with all manner of activities. The Emperor even began schooling his subjects in the mystical arts that they too might become practitioners in their own right!

The Emperor loved the latest trends and fashion and believed that anyone who dared to called themselves patrons of the mystic arts had to “wear the cloth” so to speak and be dressed accordingly! 

Being a person who always had a desire to be looked upon as a leader of stature and reputation (after all what good is it to be an emperor unless you build an empire of repute!) the Emperor was always keen and very eager to embrace anything that would raise his standing in the eyes of his subjects.

Now many wizards and witches and hawkers of all sorts of amulets, potions, spells and occult vendibles made their way into the empire to entertain the city’s elect and the masses generally. All this came at a premium and was rather profitable to the peddlers of the mystic arts.

Among the many strangers that came to town peddling their wares came two charlatans, masquerading as authentic tailors and craftsmen, and oh what a tale they did weave! 

And here is where our story truly begins…

Jannes and Jambres let it be known that they were great weavers. They were their own best press! They proclaimed to weave the most magnificent supernatural fabric imaginable that was not only the hit of the magic world but set the latest fashionable trends! After all they had a great reputation and a large following and their clientele was a veritable who’s who list of VIP’s in other empires. 

They had such a fantastic reputation that they felt compelled to export their particular brand of witchcraft and wizardry to other empires to enjoy! It was basic economics. There was an obvious demand, and Jannes and Jambres felt that they could supply that demand with what they conjured and concocted.

Their sales gimmick was simple: Their magic fabric was colourful and the patterns unusual and striking! The fact that it deviated from the standard of the High Magic was what made it exclusive and attractive! But that wasn’t the true power of this particular cloth. Not by far!

According to Jannes and Jambres the master talers (sic), clothes made of this cloth had an intriguing way of becoming invisible to anyone who was unfit for his office, or who was essentially a muggle** because (so they claimed), their fabric was magically woven with the assistance of the spirits of great wizards of the past, and only those who were of the same level of advanced wizardry and spell casting could see it -much less wear it!

While mere muggles hankered after brands like St. Paul, John Peter, Christos, Mos- Es and the like, Jannes and Jambres had manufactured the most exclusive brand in the occult world. J&J called their line of clothes and accessories: Anoynte. 

It became a symbol of status to wear the brand. And soon the world of magic coined the phrase anoynting which came to mean being dressed exclusively by J&J!  To be anoynted by J&J was a great honour and no one dared question their fabric, methods of production nor even their credentials.

After all – the product spoke for itself and supposedly separated true witches and wizards from mere muggles!

Anoynte was a brand surely fit for kings and queens.

Soon the Emperor heard that J&J had come to town and reasoned, “That would be just the thing for me! It would give me the highest standing with my subjects!” thought the Emperor. If I wore Anoynte then those who couldn’t see it would be the ones who were unfit to hold any office in my empire. And I could tell who is aligned with the latest magic trends and who isn’t – because I’d immediately distinguish the gifted from the muggles! I must get some of that stuff woven for me right away. 

He paid the two false tailors large sums of gold to start work at once and they set up shop right in the city centre and began to spin their intricate and delicate web of deception.

They set up a great production environment to weave, though there was nothing on the looms at all! It was all bogus! All the finest silk and the purest old thread which they demanded went into their traveling bags, along with the bags of gold, while they ‘worked’ the empty looms far into the night when, under the cover of darkness, such chicanery work best!

“I’d like to know how those weavers are getting on with the cloth,” the Emperor thought, but he felt slightly uncomfortable when he remembered that those who were unfit for their position would not be able to see the magic cloth that the spirits were helping the tailors weave. It couldn’t have been that he doubted himself, yet he thought he’d rather send someone else to see how things were going. After all the whole town knew about the cloth’s peculiar power, and all were impatient to find out about it.

“I’ll send my honest Council of the Elders to the tailors,” the Emperor decided. “ They’ll be the best suited to tell me how the material looks and if it’s all true.”

So the entire Council of the Elders went on a fact finding trip to the production studio where the two charlatans sat working away at their looms that seemed to move under their own power as if by some unseen supernatural ability. But there was no cloth to be seen!

Where was the fabled anoynting cloth the Elders wondered? They couldn’t see anything at all but no one dared even suggest this! Rather to pretend to see what wasn’t there than to be labelled a muggle!

Both Jannes and Jambres begged them to be so kind as to come near to approve the unusual pattern, the beautiful colours and esoteric power the fabric exuded. They pointed to all the various apparatus and production machinery which impressed everyone very much even though they could not discern the slightest trace of the magical fabric. 

“Don’t hesitate to tell us what you think of it,” said Jannes.

“Yes! We think this is our best ever piece yet,” said Jambres.

“Oh, it’s beautiful – it’s enchanting,” The Chief Elder peered through his spectacles. “Such a pattern, what colours!” I’ll be sure to tell the Emperor how delighted I am with it. It truly is bewitching!“

“We’re pleased to hear that,” the charlatans said. They proceeded to name all the colours and to explain the intricate patterns and it’s meanings and the idea behind the symbols. All of this was made up nonsense of course. The Chief Elder paid the closest attention, so that he could tell it all to the Emperor.

And so he did. He declared he was delighted with the beautiful colours and the exquisite pattern. To the Emperor he said, “It held me spellbound.“

As soon as the charlatan tailors saw that they had pulled the proverbial wool over the eyes of even the elected officials, they became even more brazen and at once asked for more money, more silk and gold, to get on with the weaving. But it all went into their pockets. Not a thread went into the looms, though they worked at their weaving as hard as ever.

All the town was talking of this splendid cloth, and before long the Emperor wanted to see it for himself while it was still in the looms. Attended by a band of chosen men, among whom were his old trusted Elders – the ones who had been to the weavers – he set out to see J&J Tailors Inc.

He found them weaving with might and main, but without any thread in their looms. To keep up the deception the tailors had set up great bellows that blew draughts of fine gold dust clouds into the air – supposedly the result of the manufacture process.

“Magnificent,” said the Elders already duped. “Just look, Your Majesty, what colours! What a design!”

They pointed to the empty looms, each supposing that the others could see the stuff.

“What’s this?” thought the Emperor. “I can’t see anything at all. This is terrible! But I certainly can’t say that. People would think me a fool and unfit to be their Leader.”

“Oh! It’s very pretty,” he said instead. “It has my highest approval.” And he nodded approbation at the empty loom. Nothing would make him say that he couldn’t see anything.

The Emperor’s retinue stared and stared. One saw no more than another, but they all joined the Emperor in exclaiming, “Oh! It’s glorious! What a sign and sight it is to behold your Majesty. Enough to make you wonder and marvel!” and they advised him to wear clothes made of this wonderful cloth especially for the great procession he was soon to lead.

“Magnificent! Excellent! Unsurpassed!” were bandied from mouth to mouth, and everyone did his best to seem well pleased.

The Emperor honoured each of the charlatan tailors with a cross to wear in their buttonhole, and the title of “Sir.”

Before the procession the “tailors” sat up all night and burned six candles and threw up great clouds of gold dust for passersby to see, to show how busy they were finishing the Emperor’s new clothes in the Anoynte line.

They pretended to take the cloth off the loom. They made cuts in the air with huge scissors. And at last they said, “Now the Emperor’s latest Anoynting is ready for him.”

Then the Emperor himself came with his noblest noblemen, and the deceivers each raised an arm as if they were holding something. They said, “These are the trousers, here’s the coat, and this is the mantle,” naming each garment. “All of them are as light as a spider web. One would almost think he had nothing on, but that’s what makes them so fine. It’s truly magical!“

“Exactly,” all the noblemen agreed, though they could see nothing, for there was nothing to see.

“If Your Imperial Majesty will condescend to take your clothes off,” said the hoodwinkers, “we will help you on with your new ones here in front of the long mirror.”

The Emperor undressed, and J&J pretended to put his new clothes on him, one garment after another. They took him around the waist, unfastening the belt handed down to the Emperor from previous generations of great kings, and seemed to be fastening something else to him that was supposedly his train.

“How well Your Majesty’s new clothes look. Aren’t they becoming! Yes this is definitely an Anoynting tailor made for you!”

He heard on all sides, “That pattern, so perfect! Those colours, so audacious! It is a magnificent outfit. It suits you!”

The Elders who were to carry his train stooped low and reached for the floor as if they were picking up his mantle. Then they pretended to lift and hold it high. They didn’t dare admit they had nothing to hold.

So off went the Emperor in procession under his splendid canopy. The Lords and Ladies in the streets and at the windows said, “Oh, how fine are the Emperor’s new Anoynting! Don’t they fit him to perfection? And see his long train!”

Nobody would confess that they couldn’t see anything, for that would prove they were either stupid even worse supposedly ungifted!

No costume the Emperor had ever worn before was ever such a complete success.

A young man from one of the last great houses – The House of the Speakers (those who could prophesy and were the Guardians of Truth) – poked his head through the crowd to have a look and blurted out,

“But he hasn’t got any clothes on! He’s not wearing anything at all. The Emperor is naked!

“Hush youngster!” said one of the Elders.

But soon one person whispered to another what the young man had said, “He hasn’t anything on! The last son of the House of the Speakers says he hasn’t anything on.”

The whispers grew louder until soon everyone began laughing aloud.

“It’s true! He hasn’t got anything on!” the whole town cried out at last seeing right through the charade of the parade! And with that the spell was broken!

The Emperor shivered, for he suspected they were right. But he thought, “This show has got to go on.

So he walked more proudly than ever, as his noblemen held high the train that wasn’t there at all, following after a proud emperor parading his nakedness for all the world to see.

The End. Or is it?

**muggle |ˈmʌg(ə)l| noun informal a person who is not conversant with a particular activity or skill: she’s a muggle: no background, understanding, or aptitude at all.

*This little story is a parody based on the children’s classic The Emperor’s New Clothes by Hans Christian Anderson. Full rights and acknowledgements are given to the author and publishing house and are reproduced here under free use licence. The full reading of the classic fable can be found online at this resource.